Ludicrous Behavior

I began this blog as a way to journal what I am learning about becoming a godly wife. It is a struggle that I have had for the last 11 years. I recently read that our concept of marriage in our culture is so far away from the marriage that Jesus describes that His idea is ludicrous to us. (John Piper) The fact that we can scoff at God's idea of marriage shows how far away our society is from its Creator. That is like telling an engineer that the building he designed will now be used as a boat. Regardless of the original intention, we are now going to use it as a boat and he cannot make any alterations to it.

Out of my almost 11 years of marriage, I have been a true follower of Jesus Christ for about 5 of those years. When I read about submission and leadership in the Bible, I find it hard to understand how that would be fleshed out. My problem is that there is a default condition I have to be selfish and demanding and just plain awful. It is a condition that demeans so that I can feel good, desires to be the one in control and is convinced that I can do it better. It is the ugly creature within that I battle with it. I had one of those battles yesterday morning. And I failed miserably.

While we were getting ready for church, Dustin asked if I minded if he went to play ball at the Rec center that evening. Now this shouldn't bother me because I know he loves to play basketball and I want him to do things he loves to do. But something in me clicked and the filter of self-control was asleep and I quipped back, "What about me going shopping for a new "unmentionable." Aside from being an utterly stupid statement, my words reeked of selfishness. What makes it so stupid and selfish is that I don't even like to shop and I especially hate shopping for unmentionables but I am desperately due so I need to take care of it. In any case, it was a dumb response. Luckily I have a gracious husband who responds well and said something to the effect that I am right I do need to take care of it and maybe he can go next week. I honestly didn't really hear his response because I was too busy berating myself at what an awful response I just gave.

Truth is, I was just peeved that he thought of getting out of the house before I did. Not that I wanted to get out but just in case I did, I now couldn't. Can you see the awfulness of this beast within me? It doesn't make any sense to me either! I don't want to be like that yet there are times when I am the beast more than I am a child of God. Dustin did go play ball and I has an enjoyable time at home with the kids and am convinced that I got the better end of the deal. But I was reminded that I cannot attempt to control or extinguish this beast without daily quiet time with my God. How could I display love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, self control, and goodness if I am not in direct relationship with One who created these gifts and gave them to me?

Regardless of my upbringing, regardless of my culture, there is a God who is calling me to trust and submit and yield my rights even though it sounds and looks ludicrous. Not so I can be called a godly woman or a Proverbs 31 woman but so that He can receive fame and glory from it. So that when people see me being "ludicrous," they will proclaim- "she serves a mighty God. If He can take a selfish, demanding woman and make her a gentle, meek, truly happy person, I wonder what He can do for me. I need to know her God."

Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!